Taking a break from my normal nonsense related to gaming to talk about my actual life nonsense. If you're only here for the gaming, this update may not be all that interesting for you. Then again, it might be, maybe you'll learn smethng about yourself. Maybe you'll not. Only the Shadow knows.
As I discussed in a previous post, this year has been frought with ridiculousness. I've traveled to the other side of the planet, bought a house, got married, and started a new job. I've also watched my mom and stepdad get divorced, lost dozens of friends due to me being an insufferable assshole, and lost my brother due to.... well, mostly due to his lifelong battle with depression. The depression thing wasn't exactly a perfect unknown, but not something you can ever prepare for.
I've always taken suicide far more seriously than I thought I should. Now that I've been confronted by it face to face, I can see that I didn't treat it seriously enough. If anyone reading this ever, ever, ever even remotely considers taking their own life: don't. Email me. Text me. Call me. Whatever you need to do. I can't watch another family go through the hellscape that my family has endured over the past six months. I promise you that whatever you're going through will pass. You can make it through, even if I have to drag you through against your will.
My family takes solace in the fact that my brother is "with G-d now". I have no such comfort. The days of my belief in an almighty grandpa in the clouds are as gone as my days of belief in a magical sleighriding madman from the North Pole who distributes presents. I don't discount the possibility of their being an omnipotent overbeing who watches over all, but I also don't discount the possibility of their being an indestructible teakettle orbiting the third moon of Jupiter. Just because I can't disprove it doesn't mean it exists. My brother held similar beliefs. He wore the guise of Christendom, but from our many long discussions on the topic over the years, it was clear that his faith had dried up entirely.
They tell me that he's in a better place, but I cannot fathom nonexistence being superior to existence. That ideology is so alien to me that I cannot even begin to comprehend it.
This life is all we have. That's why there's generally such a low incidence of Atheists and Agnostics killing themselves; if this is all we have, why would we ever voluntarily give that up? That's also why most spree killers profess some sort of religious faith; they believe that their faith will either protect them or reward them for their actions. They think that they can be forgiven by G-d for their transessions, so they have no mortal law or repurcussions to fear. That is the true danger of zealots.
I know this has been rambling and only semi sensible, but it's just a bunch of words that were clogging up my head. Thanks for reading this far.
Oh, and I meant that bit earlier about the contacting me in the event of thinking about considering suicide. Seriously. I'm right here.
-J
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