Preface: This is another one of those not-at-all-related-to-gaming posts. So if you come here for those, you'll be disappointed. I seem to be doing that a lot lately; disappointing people that is.
Since I was young, probably 11 or 12, I've had panic attacks. My brother also suffered from them, though his started when he was around 16 if I remember correctly. It always seemed like our shared terrifying experience. After I moved out, whenever I was having one, I would call him. Just hearing him tell me that everything was okay seemed to get me to calm down. He'd do the same when he was having one. We had a decent system.
That all changed this summer. When I heard the news of his death, I had a panic attack that lasted for the better part of an hour. I was curled on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, sweating profusely, and I think I may have blacked out at one point. The worst part was, I reflexively picked up my phone and started to dial his number. I couldn't imagine dealing with this without him.
Since then, I hadn't had any panic attacks. I'm not sure if I'd developed some sort of psychological coping mechanism to keep me safe or if it was some sort of empathic thing with him. Last night, I had my first panic attack since last June. It was just as terrifying as usual. And just like I'd done since I was 18, my hand went to my phone and started to dial. When I realized what I was doing, it just made the situation worse. I was shaking and sobbing like a 4 year old. All around me was darkness, and not just because it was midnight and I didn't have any lights on in the house. The only thing that brought me out of it was my contempt for myself. I knew I was stronger than this; I wasn't some lost kitten in the woods. I refused to be a blubbering mess on the floor. My rage burned back the darkness long enough for me to get my bearings again. Eventually, it passed.
I have people I could call. I know that. I have people that care about me, who don't want to see me like this. I also can't bring myself to bother any of them with this sort of thing. I refuse to be a burden on them any more than I already am. I'll figure out a new way to cope; a new way to deal with the panic and dread.
I will stand against the darkness. I will not let it win. I will endure. That much, I can promise myself.
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