Preface: This is another one of those not-at-all-related-to-gaming posts. So if you come here for those, you'll be disappointed. I seem to be doing that a lot lately; disappointing people that is.
Since I was young, probably 11 or 12, I've had panic attacks. My brother also suffered from them, though his started when he was around 16 if I remember correctly. It always seemed like our shared terrifying experience. After I moved out, whenever I was having one, I would call him. Just hearing him tell me that everything was okay seemed to get me to calm down. He'd do the same when he was having one. We had a decent system.
That all changed this summer. When I heard the news of his death, I had a panic attack that lasted for the better part of an hour. I was curled on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, sweating profusely, and I think I may have blacked out at one point. The worst part was, I reflexively picked up my phone and started to dial his number. I couldn't imagine dealing with this without him.
Since then, I hadn't had any panic attacks. I'm not sure if I'd developed some sort of psychological coping mechanism to keep me safe or if it was some sort of empathic thing with him. Last night, I had my first panic attack since last June. It was just as terrifying as usual. And just like I'd done since I was 18, my hand went to my phone and started to dial. When I realized what I was doing, it just made the situation worse. I was shaking and sobbing like a 4 year old. All around me was darkness, and not just because it was midnight and I didn't have any lights on in the house. The only thing that brought me out of it was my contempt for myself. I knew I was stronger than this; I wasn't some lost kitten in the woods. I refused to be a blubbering mess on the floor. My rage burned back the darkness long enough for me to get my bearings again. Eventually, it passed.
I have people I could call. I know that. I have people that care about me, who don't want to see me like this. I also can't bring myself to bother any of them with this sort of thing. I refuse to be a burden on them any more than I already am. I'll figure out a new way to cope; a new way to deal with the panic and dread.
I will stand against the darkness. I will not let it win. I will endure. That much, I can promise myself.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
2012/12/28
But, I wear long pants...
Taking a break from my normal nonsense related to gaming to talk about my actual life nonsense. If you're only here for the gaming, this update may not be all that interesting for you. Then again, it might be, maybe you'll learn smethng about yourself. Maybe you'll not. Only the Shadow knows.
As I discussed in a previous post, this year has been frought with ridiculousness. I've traveled to the other side of the planet, bought a house, got married, and started a new job. I've also watched my mom and stepdad get divorced, lost dozens of friends due to me being an insufferable assshole, and lost my brother due to.... well, mostly due to his lifelong battle with depression. The depression thing wasn't exactly a perfect unknown, but not something you can ever prepare for.
I've always taken suicide far more seriously than I thought I should. Now that I've been confronted by it face to face, I can see that I didn't treat it seriously enough. If anyone reading this ever, ever, ever even remotely considers taking their own life: don't. Email me. Text me. Call me. Whatever you need to do. I can't watch another family go through the hellscape that my family has endured over the past six months. I promise you that whatever you're going through will pass. You can make it through, even if I have to drag you through against your will.
My family takes solace in the fact that my brother is "with G-d now". I have no such comfort. The days of my belief in an almighty grandpa in the clouds are as gone as my days of belief in a magical sleighriding madman from the North Pole who distributes presents. I don't discount the possibility of their being an omnipotent overbeing who watches over all, but I also don't discount the possibility of their being an indestructible teakettle orbiting the third moon of Jupiter. Just because I can't disprove it doesn't mean it exists. My brother held similar beliefs. He wore the guise of Christendom, but from our many long discussions on the topic over the years, it was clear that his faith had dried up entirely.
They tell me that he's in a better place, but I cannot fathom nonexistence being superior to existence. That ideology is so alien to me that I cannot even begin to comprehend it.
This life is all we have. That's why there's generally such a low incidence of Atheists and Agnostics killing themselves; if this is all we have, why would we ever voluntarily give that up? That's also why most spree killers profess some sort of religious faith; they believe that their faith will either protect them or reward them for their actions. They think that they can be forgiven by G-d for their transessions, so they have no mortal law or repurcussions to fear. That is the true danger of zealots.
I know this has been rambling and only semi sensible, but it's just a bunch of words that were clogging up my head. Thanks for reading this far.
Oh, and I meant that bit earlier about the contacting me in the event of thinking about considering suicide. Seriously. I'm right here.
-J
As I discussed in a previous post, this year has been frought with ridiculousness. I've traveled to the other side of the planet, bought a house, got married, and started a new job. I've also watched my mom and stepdad get divorced, lost dozens of friends due to me being an insufferable assshole, and lost my brother due to.... well, mostly due to his lifelong battle with depression. The depression thing wasn't exactly a perfect unknown, but not something you can ever prepare for.
I've always taken suicide far more seriously than I thought I should. Now that I've been confronted by it face to face, I can see that I didn't treat it seriously enough. If anyone reading this ever, ever, ever even remotely considers taking their own life: don't. Email me. Text me. Call me. Whatever you need to do. I can't watch another family go through the hellscape that my family has endured over the past six months. I promise you that whatever you're going through will pass. You can make it through, even if I have to drag you through against your will.
My family takes solace in the fact that my brother is "with G-d now". I have no such comfort. The days of my belief in an almighty grandpa in the clouds are as gone as my days of belief in a magical sleighriding madman from the North Pole who distributes presents. I don't discount the possibility of their being an omnipotent overbeing who watches over all, but I also don't discount the possibility of their being an indestructible teakettle orbiting the third moon of Jupiter. Just because I can't disprove it doesn't mean it exists. My brother held similar beliefs. He wore the guise of Christendom, but from our many long discussions on the topic over the years, it was clear that his faith had dried up entirely.
They tell me that he's in a better place, but I cannot fathom nonexistence being superior to existence. That ideology is so alien to me that I cannot even begin to comprehend it.
This life is all we have. That's why there's generally such a low incidence of Atheists and Agnostics killing themselves; if this is all we have, why would we ever voluntarily give that up? That's also why most spree killers profess some sort of religious faith; they believe that their faith will either protect them or reward them for their actions. They think that they can be forgiven by G-d for their transessions, so they have no mortal law or repurcussions to fear. That is the true danger of zealots.
I know this has been rambling and only semi sensible, but it's just a bunch of words that were clogging up my head. Thanks for reading this far.
Oh, and I meant that bit earlier about the contacting me in the event of thinking about considering suicide. Seriously. I'm right here.
-J
2012/10/21
The Black Swordsman
So yeah... it's been a while. Between the last update and this one, a lot of major stuff has happened in my life which has caused me to take a protracted break. Positives: I got married in early June, bought a house in September, traveled Japan for two and a half weeks in October. Negatives: My brother took his own life in late June. Needless to say, lots of stressing stuff took away my will to write. I'm dragging myself back into it, though. I will persevere.
On to my new project. I'd talked about doing an Avatar: The Legend of Aang/Korra hack at one point, but it hasn't really jumped out at me as a thing that I need to do at this point. I'm not really feeling it, as it were. What has my attention lately is an anime series called Sword Art Online. It's amazing, seriously. It's got my friend Chris (who, incidentally, has hated all things related to anime for over 20 years now) interested, so it must be amazing. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. Most of the first season is available on Crunchyroll right now for streaming.
With that in mind, I've got basic stats for the protagonist, Kirito. The only real departure from standard MHR is the adjusted Solo/Party/Guild in place of Solo/Buddy/Team. Solo works as normal. Party is for any group of 4 or less, and Guild is for groups of 5 or more. In a world where the majority of groups are 5+, it made sense to change the divisions a bit.
Here's Kirito, just after his first duel with the leader of the Knights of the Blood Oath. As always, I welcome your commentary.
Kirito, The Black Swordsman
Solo d10, Party d8, Guild d6
Legendary Beater, Heart of Gold, Guildless
Black Swordsman’s Arsenal
Elucidator (Weapon d10), Dark Repulsor (Weapon d10), Swordsman’s Coat (Armor d8), Red Potion (Healing d8), Teleport Crystal (Teleportation d6).
SFX: Dual-wielding. You may use Elucidator and Dark Repulsor in the same die pool by stepping down both weapons -1 step.
SFX: Disarm. Step your effect die when you attack an opponent’s Weapon trait.
Limit: Gear. Shutdown a Black Swordsman’s Arsenal power and gain 1 PP. Take an action vs. the Doom pool to recover that power.
Virtual Kendo
Superhuman Reflexes d10, Superhuman Speed d10, Enhanced Stamina d8, Enhanced Durability d8.
SFX: “You’re Level 16, I’m Level 86.” Spend 1 PP to step back physical trauma by -1 and remove all physical stress.
SFX: Versatility. Replace any Virtual Kendo power’s die with two stepped down dice.
SFX: Whirlwind Attack. Target multiple opponents. For each additional target, add a d6 to your die pool and keep +1 effect die.
Limit: Exhausted. Shutdown any Virtual Kendo power to gain 1 PP. Recover by activating an opportunity or during a transition scene.
Specialties
Combat Master d10, Psych Expert d8, Acrobatic Expert d8, Menace Expert d8, Tech Expert d8
Milestones
Alone Against the World
1xp: When you defend a weaker character against a non-minion opponent.
3xp: When you aid a stressed-out character in recovery.
10xp: When you lose a friend by refusing a guild invitation OR join a guild and accept a position of leadership.
Clueless Teenager
1xp: When another character expresses romantic interest in you, but you are oblivious.
3xp: When you take emotional stress from someone who’s expressed romantic interest in you.
10xp: When you declare your mutual affection to someone who’s expressed romantic interest in you, despite the risks OR when you sever all ties to save them.
---------
-J
On to my new project. I'd talked about doing an Avatar: The Legend of Aang/Korra hack at one point, but it hasn't really jumped out at me as a thing that I need to do at this point. I'm not really feeling it, as it were. What has my attention lately is an anime series called Sword Art Online. It's amazing, seriously. It's got my friend Chris (who, incidentally, has hated all things related to anime for over 20 years now) interested, so it must be amazing. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. Most of the first season is available on Crunchyroll right now for streaming.
With that in mind, I've got basic stats for the protagonist, Kirito. The only real departure from standard MHR is the adjusted Solo/Party/Guild in place of Solo/Buddy/Team. Solo works as normal. Party is for any group of 4 or less, and Guild is for groups of 5 or more. In a world where the majority of groups are 5+, it made sense to change the divisions a bit.
Here's Kirito, just after his first duel with the leader of the Knights of the Blood Oath. As always, I welcome your commentary.
Kirito, The Black Swordsman
Solo d10, Party d8, Guild d6
Legendary Beater, Heart of Gold, Guildless
Black Swordsman’s Arsenal
Elucidator (Weapon d10), Dark Repulsor (Weapon d10), Swordsman’s Coat (Armor d8), Red Potion (Healing d8), Teleport Crystal (Teleportation d6).
SFX: Dual-wielding. You may use Elucidator and Dark Repulsor in the same die pool by stepping down both weapons -1 step.
SFX: Disarm. Step your effect die when you attack an opponent’s Weapon trait.
Limit: Gear. Shutdown a Black Swordsman’s Arsenal power and gain 1 PP. Take an action vs. the Doom pool to recover that power.
Virtual Kendo
Superhuman Reflexes d10, Superhuman Speed d10, Enhanced Stamina d8, Enhanced Durability d8.
SFX: “You’re Level 16, I’m Level 86.” Spend 1 PP to step back physical trauma by -1 and remove all physical stress.
SFX: Versatility. Replace any Virtual Kendo power’s die with two stepped down dice.
SFX: Whirlwind Attack. Target multiple opponents. For each additional target, add a d6 to your die pool and keep +1 effect die.
Limit: Exhausted. Shutdown any Virtual Kendo power to gain 1 PP. Recover by activating an opportunity or during a transition scene.
Specialties
Combat Master d10, Psych Expert d8, Acrobatic Expert d8, Menace Expert d8, Tech Expert d8
Milestones
Alone Against the World
1xp: When you defend a weaker character against a non-minion opponent.
3xp: When you aid a stressed-out character in recovery.
10xp: When you lose a friend by refusing a guild invitation OR join a guild and accept a position of leadership.
Clueless Teenager
1xp: When another character expresses romantic interest in you, but you are oblivious.
3xp: When you take emotional stress from someone who’s expressed romantic interest in you.
10xp: When you declare your mutual affection to someone who’s expressed romantic interest in you, despite the risks OR when you sever all ties to save them.
---------
-J
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